http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2681588/27/Shattering_Reality_Season_3

Next week(assuming I can find time to write the chapter by now and then): Hector finds himself in a very strange new world unlike any he's seen before.

I don't think I could feel justified doing a series of notes on what's important to me without talking first and foremost about the one thing that is most important.  God.  Truth.  Love.  Faith. 

The order of the universe and being of God. 

The trick is that historically, in supporting God, in supporting Truth, I tend to focus a whole lot more on trying to expose the lies in the world.  Because I for one know that most of the world is lies.

But focusing on the lies isn't enough.  The only way to actually win is to overcome the lies via truth.

The point being that I don't really keep my eyes in the right place to solve my problems all the time.  Because God and truth should always be the first places I look when I come to a problem.  But it isn't always.

And note this is overall a lot less profound than it should be.  I'm sorry for that.

We all have wonderful ways of destroying ourselves, or at least our lives. For some, it is partying, drinking, casual sex, smoking, drugs, anger problems, violence, pornography, abuse, cutting, worship of celebrities, and other such things.

No, I'm not about to go through and say how each one is a form of self destruction. I'm not actually going to focus on any of those issues.

I recently went to a Christian music festival called Alive. It was a lot of fun. I thought about writing a note about it, but it didn't actually seem all that important.

But one speaker we heard talked to us about how a lot of the useless things we do really just separate us from what's important and keep us from doing good things. This can be video games or watching pointless movies or having pointless conversations or any number of other things. Not that any of these things are evil in themselves, but they increase the noise in our lives. They distract us from what is important. Now, as a side comment, it is possible for movies to be thought provoking and help add to your outlook on life. Same for video games sometimes. and of course there is useful discourse.

And in my life, I've had and do have several of these useless things. Lately, one of them has been a video game called Gothic 3 which has been becoming a quick addiction. As I've realized it has been getting out of control and continued feeding it, like many of the addictions I've had in the past, I've realized very quickly that I need to stop letting the noise in my life distract me. I need to remember to focus on what's important to me.

Now, as for what is important to me, I may actually do a series of notes on that soon, but haven't entirely decided yet.

Still, I wanted to get this out here. Not necessarily to get anyone else to read it, but I feel like if I have it out online and public it's a more solid resolution. I can't back down on my decision to focus on what's important as easily, even if no one reads this.

Of course, this runs contrary to what I've claimed about people using other people instead of self-control in the past. However, I claim this as a stepping stone. I'm not always going to say 'hey, this is what I'm doing and why!' I don't think that people care that much and I'm not trying to place my burdens on others. I'm not asking for help, and I'm not looking for attention. This is just me making a resolution to myself and posting it to keep myself on track.


Edit: I would like to specify that I don't mean to say that people should cut out the 'useless' things from their lives or that I intend to do that with my life. I think it's important to have breaks from the super important(not saying that what is important can't include those things within it either). I'm just saying the useless things can't overcome the important.


Xanga edit: I don't think i've posted the links for the most recent SR chapters here, but there have been a couple since the last time I linked to one here.

I fear that things are very problematic. My sense of adventure is rebelling against the domesticity of this world. There is a large lack in two different areas of my life(my sense of adventure being only one of them.)

Starting to work at Meijer yesterday is something that has worn me out and stressed me out. I'm afraid of the lack of time I'm going to have. The lack of fulfillment I'm going to have/have been having.

//Main System Restart
//
//
//...

Dialogue: Backup System 3: Dynamic Revision Analysis Vision Executive Neurocenter: Status: Activated\

//Main System: The beast is on the loose.
//Backup: That's what you get, for feeding it.
//Main System: It is trying to destroy everything. It intruded last night where it had no place and threatened to harm someone very important. The system...
//Backup: is in unbalance+. Which gives the beast any opportunity that it wants.
//Main System: And with everything else going on...
//Backup: The beast isn't what you want to deal with.
//Main System: Investigate it, stay on the watch. If it makes any moves, I want to know about it. And before it can harm anyone else.
//Backup: All of the other systems have already been alerted of it.
//Main System: Good. Focus on Wrath and Lust with everything else checked.
//Backup: Will do.
//Main System: He tried to attack me in the dream.
//Backup: Well aware.

//***Run Script***//

My family and I were staying in some sort of very large stationary trailer thing somewhere in the desert for the summer. I was working at BCLC, which, in combination with working at Meijer, would pay the difference in the loss of money that I had experienced this past year, but was another reason that the job at Meijer was too stressful.

There was a scene actually at BCLC that I'm going to skip the description of because there is only two people that I talk to that would be able to appreciate it in a non-negative way. One of which I would say it's particularly important to, given last night's events that I'm also not going to mention.

Back at the trailer, I was considering the fact that every summer that I had worked at BCLC, Satan had tried to stop me. When I saw the package that had arrived for me, I knew exactly what it was. I quickly did what I could to get the random girl who was there(I can't remember if she was someone specific or had some reason to be at the trailer) out before...

BOOM!!! The package and trailer erupted.

There was a good deal of running around at this point. There were different camps of people, but I never really stayed long enough to deal with any of them. A large number wanted me dead and tried to kill me. Including a group of skeleton archers that looked remarkably like the ones in Warcraft 3.

Speaking of Warcraft 3, the dream took this point to zoom out and say that what had just been happening was all a video game. Brandon was playing it and doing quite well. Brandon, Hayley, I, and some other friends were all hanging out. Brandon, Hayley, one other person, and I, were talking about the game he was playing, some other game he recommended, and life in general.

Then some nearby girl mentioned something sorority related. Hayley jumped over to that conversation and was able to hold her own, much better than she had been able to hold her own in the other conversation where I was more at ease. But she still had been able to hold her own there. This is where I began to realize Hayley's ability to exist within both worlds.

From there we all decided to go eat. We went to this food-courtish place where there were all sorts of different vendors selling food. But there was only one place any of us thought was any good. While we were going up, I noticed that the person serving the food was Shane.

In real life, Shane had been one of the people who had sat at my lunch table the second half of freshman year. The inspiration for Eric Hartsburg of The Reality Game. He also worked at Meijer last year. He was in groceries and I saw him sometimes when I went to fill up my water.

//***End Line***//

//*Update: More recent than the plan for this note*//

//Main System: This is threatening, but it could be a large part of the root of the problem.
//Backup: It would explain why it went after who it did?
//Main System: Exactly.
//Backup: Therefore...
//Main System: We have our sense of adventure, our way of regaining the other necessary, and our challenge to defeat the beast.
//Backup: If only you had a better shield and support system, no?
//Main System:*sighs* I know. And that's something that needs to change. Until then, I've got you.
//Backup: You shouldn't count on me.
//Main System: I know.

I'm too busy to fall apart.

The Irony Clock ticks away. More and more rapidly the sand slips through. As one hand on the face of the clock(the left hand to be specific) spins away, another hand returns.

The paradox is fast approaching.

"The threat, Oracle," Edrik said, "is that we have no melange..."

"The threat is Kralizec."

The threat is what it always has been, but never what we thought it was. And I become very afraid.

You'll say that this is cryptic.
What if it is? Yours is no less
What if I don't know any other way to say it?
What if I don't even know what I'm saying myself?

"Don't tell me that you're all better,
I don't care if you are."

You'll say that it's "dark and mysterious."
that I am "dark and mysterious."
I don't really know how to respond to that.

Denial?
You'll say I'm lying or just wrong.

Ask for help?
I tried, where did that get me?

"She said, 'just go on to what you
Pretend is your life but
Please don't die on me'"

"What a waste of a life" is what she said.
I wouldn't really know. I haven't gotten there yet.
I am...determined. But what does that mean?

"I’ll be dead but never dying, and I say that with a smile
It’s just my way of trying to be alive."

All I know is this: My eccentricities will not die.

I feel like Depp's character in Finding Neverland sometimes.
Often really.
But you aren't among the people who will read this,
so there's no point in my explaining why to everyone but you.
But that's really the problem, isn't it?

The problem is choice,
but we've all already made our choices.
What matters now is how we deal with them.

There will be one week in which the universe is in equilibrium. Next week to be exact.
But it won't be. In equilibrium that is.

The memories I've been having can only get worse.
It's the fact that I've only moved out of college once before.
The moving out process(like Bagel and Deli after packing away my stuff) is stuck in my mind with many other memories of that time.
Memories of surprise parties planned in secret,
of the wind rushing through my face and fire from a newly launched coaster,
right after the ribbon was cut,
of falling asleep on a couch,
of movies watched and stories still unfinished.
(Like Catch the Wind or Take a Chance)
of sleepovers that never were spoken of and which history has nearly erased.

I wonder if I asked you about the memories, what you would say.
Do you still remember? Or like so much else, is that locked away?

I wonder why I'm writing this.
I know why.
It's not about you. I mean, it is, but it's also about her and him and her and him and him and the others.
It's about the interconnectedness and yet divisiveness of things in my life.
Irony Clock.
Paradox.

That cyclical nature.
Another tragedy embeds it into my mind, not letting me forget.

That is not your place unless she lets it be.

It never is with any of them.

Then why do you worry yourself now? Pray. If she asks for help, then you can help her.

I worry myself for the same reason I always have. I care too much. Besides, it's her.

"It was always Nathan's fault that he lost Heather in The Reality Game."

"Thames was put in as a sort of redemption."

"She killed five students."

It was always her except when it wasn't. Except when it was 'Heather'. The same 'Heather' that I know a part of me will never let go of. That's how I can understand why it was so hard to let go of me. But she was redemption before she was.

In both all three cases I messed up.
In both all three cases I didn't give up and still haven't.
But I only have what ground I'm given.

But the paradox wouldn't be paradoxical without the other side of the coin. You're coming back.

"1000 miles, you're coming closer
It's been so long I can hardly remember
This is getting so much easier."

I don't think you know how much I've missed you.
I don't think you know how much damage you've done.
I have no idea what to expect, who you are or who you'll be.
But I've learned
from how I was treated,
how NOT to treat you.

Because I was pushed away, not allowed forgiveness even when it was promised.
Kept 'at arms length', but really farther than that.
I wanted to be closer, but walls, my own and not my own,
made it impossible.

I don't know what to do.
One coming, another leaving.
And so much else at stake.

I fear one chapter may be about to end(as the paradox passes),
but the cyclical nature points towards one thing that may be about to happen.

The return of the 14 fused bomb.
Perhaps I never learn and always trust the dishonest.
Honestly, it's a bad idea. To give someone that kind of power over my life.
Especially that kind of someone.

Perhaps this is just evidence of the ultimate irony, to end up considering him.
After all, perhaps I didn't make it through the month with my sanity.
If not, it was his role that drove me here.